Sick, Sorrowful, Shaking Savior
by AnkiPan
Summary: Secrets, fears, nerves. Kurana Lavellan is a mess in the mask of the Inquisitor. Slipping, gripping, desperate to get a foothold as a the leader the Inquisition needs. Will her decisions devour her? Does she have the strength to shoulder the burden the people need her to shoulder?
1. Weak Knees

Kuranas fingertips felt dry as they scraped the stone walls. From the battlements, she could see rivers of white splashing against jagged mountain tops. She backed away, slowly. She only noticed she was shaking after she had been stopped by the other side. Her heart throbbed and stomach turned as she looked over that side as well. Almost having a fit of anxiety, she sat down. The sun-roasted stone warmed her and made her feel safe. She had just let out a sigh of relief when Cullen finally made it to their meeting.

Kurana laughed, the sweat made her deep, red hair stick to her pale face, made paler by the sight of the valley below the fortress. "I'm afraid you caught me lounging, Commander." She wiped the sweat from her brow. Despite her finding it terribly cold here, she was always somewhat sweaty.

He offered her a hand up but she denied. His blonde brows furrowed at first but soon he just chuckled and sat beside her. "A secret weakness, my dear?," he asked. His curls ruffled in the wind. "Was Haven less daunting?"

"Don't tell anyone," she pleaded weakly. She rested her head on the furry shawl that always adorned his broad shoulders.

He held her sweaty, delicate hand in his own callused hand. It felt strange and somewhat awkward to him, seeing as she lacked her smallest finger. He attempted to ignore it. He promised, "I won't. However, _he_ might have heard already."

Kurana huffed. "Would you lay off him? He can't help it." She shifted uncomfortably, as if it physically pained her to argue with him. "It feels like everyone's yelling at him." She winced.

"I didn't mean…," Cullen stammered, the way he so often did in her presence. He always wished last moment to take back things he said. "I just wanted to talk to you. About Haven."

She nodded, welcoming the talk but also dreading it. The familiar fear returned. "What do you want to know?" She was exhilarated. She wanted to tell someone.

"I just…," he began, but his face grew stern. For a few moments he mimicked the very stone they sat upon. "…want to make sure you never give your life up like that again."

Her muscles relaxed from their nervous tension. He continued, "You got out alive, yes, but if you hadn't… Your life is precious."

"Any more precious than the life of a son, a sister?," she grunted as she stood. "A father?"

He stood as well, looking out at the world. He took a moment to appreciate the view she could not. "You are what holds us up. You are the strength and initiative that binds us. You walked alone through the blistering winds of the mountain pass after facing Corypheus and an archdemon. It's almost inhuman." He blinked as he searched for words. Finally, his brown eyes settled on her blue eyes. He gently grasped both her shoulders. "Your life is what gives them hope. It is what keeps them sturdy. It means so much to everyone." His gaze hovered at her lips. "To me." He pulled her into a kiss. She relaxed and caressed her jaw. She could sense his trust even greater than his passion.

She slipped away without a word, hurrying along the steps. 'Keep it in,' she urged herself. Cassandra gave pause upon seeing her, which only made her walk faster. Her lungs were about to burst when she entered the Inquisitor's Hall. She ignored Varrics call over and rushed to her quarters.

Once safe in her bedroom she slammed the door shut behind her and leaned upon it, heaving with sobs. A sudden poof of smoke made her jump. "Massive glass column, crumbling, cracking, creaking, but everyone thinks it's made of iron." He twiddled his thumbs at the sight of her red, puffy eyes. "Like an ancient building, barely braving bold, breaking winds. Ancient but still so young." He grew more uncomfortable the longer she stared silently, tears still pouring from her eyes. "I could hear the fear, daunting heights, and I listened. Then Cullen made it better, then worse. You were very fast hard to fol-"

"What do you want, Cole?," she demanded through grit teeth. He stepped closer.

"I want to help. You have so much fear. I can make it better. I can try." He looked from under the brim of his hat. "Impossible deeds. Just dumb luck. Make it up as I go. Burning, bleeding, breaking away." He took both her shoulders and looked in her eyes. He made his voice deep and recited, "'It means so much to everyone. To me.'" Kurana had half a second before she knew where this was going. He kissed her, only to be pushed away and slapped across his gaunt cheek.

"Cole! Why would you do that?"

"It made you happy when Cullen did it. Made the pain go away," he explained and rubbed his cheek, which was reddening from the impact. "Perhaps he did it better. Let me try again." He raised his hand to make her forget, but she grasped his wrist. He lowered it slowly. "All right."

She backed up into the door and slid down it. "Cole, a kiss is something you share with someone you… Never mind."

"Weak knees. Weak ankles. Can't stand for too long. No savior but a sick, sad, shaking sister. Nerves gnawing at my knees." Cole nodded decidedly and stated, "I can help." He knelt down to face her and continued to recite her thoughts. "My military man, mage-hunter, mister scratchy face, like a cat's tongue."

Kurana yawned weakly and protested, "Don't tell Cullen my thoughts please." Her eyelids shut for a few seconds and when she opened them again, her arm was over his thin shoulders. He was steadily but surely walking up the steps.

"He thinks about you a lot too. Sometimes bare. But I don't think he'd like me telling you that." By the time they reached the top of the steps, she was fast asleep.


	2. Uncertainty

She woke to find the fire cracking at her. She rose from the bed, groggily. Her clothes were wrinkled and her eyes watered when she yawned. She found her way out to the doorway to the balcony. The sky was black, but for the white stars studding it. Crisp, clean air chilled her and woke her enough for her to change her clothes.

When she descended the stairs, she found the hall empty. However, light and noise still emanated from the tavern. She didn't take to taverns. They were a new prospect to her, a human prospect. Besides, the two times she attempted to enjoy herself, she blended into the wall with a drink. It was hardly worth the effort.

Her stare found the throne. It commanded respect on its platform. Spikes protruding from the back made it look intimidating. From there, she held more lives in her hands. Prisoners died because she didn't have a plan for them. She sat down on the steps and crossed her fingers over each other. Within moments, someone found her. The tapping of shoes across the floor stirred her from her daydreaming.

Josephine stood before her. "Mistress Lavellan," she greeted. "I finally found you… and I finally remembered what it was I needed you for." She consulted the board that seemed to be an extension of her hand. She began to rattle off an invitation from a duke of somewhere or the other to yet another ball. "I understand you have a distaste for dancing, given your weak joints, Inquisitor but it would be of great benefit to the Inquisition for you to be there."

Kurana processed the situation for a moment and then asked, "One of the servants was feeding the fire in my chambers. Did you not ask one of them where I was. I would have liked to wake up."

Josephine thought for a moment and searched for the response. "No one knew where you were. An awful lot of people tried your chambers but the oddest thing…" She chuckled slightly and then began again. "I know that feeling, when you walk into a room with a purpose, only to forget why you went into the room at all." She shook her head. "Besides the point, I thought I might bring this to your attention as soon as possible, as I know how long it takes you, at times, to make decisions. Goodnight, Inquisitor."

She was about to turn and leave but Kurana asked her first, "Why are you still awake, Josephine?"

Josephine smiled proudly and responded, "Leliana, the commander and I have much work to do. Sometimes we must cut into our resting hours." She turned her head to face the open doors of the Hall. "If they can do it, so can we." With that, she took her leave, shoes tapping as she walked.

There was another poof of smoke beside Kurana when she was out of earshot. "I can start fires. It takes a long time though, so I started before the sun went down," he whispered. He sat close enough that his hat shadowed her. He scooted to the side and went on explaining. "The sleep was harder though. To make someone go to sleep you need to… disperse them, separate them from their consciousness."

Kurana pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why, Cole? I've had work to do all day. People were asking for me."

"It's okay. They didn't know they needed you when they left. There's always tomorrow, anyway." He put his knobby hands on his knees and stared at them for a time before speaking up again. "I helped. I can't make you feel better the way Cullen did, so I made you sleep. It makes the fears seem smaller. Next time, I'll bring him over and he can make you feel better. He's better at it. Next time you hurt… You hurt so often."

She leaned her head on her hand and shook her head. "I don't know what I'll do. Templars killing mages. Mages killing Templars. Meanwhile, a darkspawn demigod is eating the world and everyone looks to me to stop it." She looked over at him. He was silent still, resting his chin on his knees. "I was born just as they were, had a childhood, made mistakes."

"Water flows over freezing, frigid fingers fighting for life. Gripped tight. Please Mythal let her live."

"I took in the templars, but I still doubt myself on decisions I've already made. What had happened had I picked the mages over them?" She turned to see that he was gone, or at least appeared to be. She took this opportunity to visit with Cullen and see if he would be a better advisor. It was intensely more nerve-wracking than speaking to Cole about her problem. Cullen would remember, he'd hear what she was saying, not what was going through her head.

He was sleeping when she found him. Out of his armor, he just looked like a man, not a furry emperor of war. A loose tunic and pants were twisted around him from tossing and turning. She climbed under the blankets and shook him awake. "Commander," she whispered. His head lolled back and forth before his eyes opened hesitantly. At the sight of her, he startled a bit. He propped himself on his elbows and then laughed, "Maker, you frightened me half to death." He laid back down on his side to face her. "What is it, darling? Why are you in my bed?"

Kurana thought about her next words carefully. The wide eyes she gave him were a bit creepy, but he made an effort to ignore them and listen closely. "Commander, I've been wondering about my decision to take in the Templars."

He sniffled and turned on his back. "Excellent choice. They'll serve well against the demons in the rift. We- They're experts at dispelling magic." He closed his eyes as though he were about to fall asleep. "If you took the mages in, we could have had corruption in the ranks. Mages are a lot more unpredictable than Templars. At least you can take a templar's sword away." He opened his eyes and shrugged. "I suppose I could nullify the magic but I couldn't be the only line of defense against rebel mages in the Inquisition." He chuckled at the thought. She was still staring at him, unblinking, and he could feel it.

"You won't take away my magic, will you?," she asked fearfully. "Do you think I'm dangerous?" He gave her a sideways look and smirked. She trembled as he kissed her forehead.

"No, my darling." His forehead touched hers and he assured her, "I would never take your magic away."


	3. Counting from Ten

"Mercy," the apostate begged. A large, red stain marked the robes he wore. Tears and sweat made his face shine and Kurana could not tell which of the two flowed more profusely. He, who was kneeling in the dirt, was all that was left of the fighting between the Templars and mages, excluding her own company. "Mercy, please," he pleaded again.

The sun was so hot, Kurana was sure she'd start sizzling and bubbling at any moment. "Your party attacked us," she stated.

"I was scared/ The Templars came for us. I… I don't mean to attack people that mean no harm to me."

'Everyone means harm to us,' she thought, but stifled her thoughts and shook herself back to reality. She had to make a choice and fast.

Vivienne tapped her staff in the dry dirt under their feet. She seemed utterly bored. "He's lying. Put an end to this dishonest, blubbering and just kill him."

Kurana opened her mouth to sentence him and her arm made a half-inch advance toward her staff. However, she stopped. 'Can't agree too quickly or people will know…' She counted from ten. 'Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four-'

She felt a hand on her back and breath on her neck. Her hairs stood up. "When they beg for mercy, they wish only to live, to ask permission for life. They ask nothing else," he whispered in her ear. She hesitated again. She could feel her breaths get shallow and her heartbeat quicken. When this man died, there would be no breath, no heartbeat, no sound. Quiet. "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one," she heard Cole whispering.

"Get out of my sight," Kurana ordered the apostate. She watched him run and, once he was out of view, she turned to face her companions.

Vivienne rolled her eyes. "Tsk. How do you propose to keep the people safe if we turn wolves out on them?"

"Sometimes we must sacrifice the life of one to save the lives of many." Cassandra shook her head. "Isn't that what you felt in Haven?"

"But… he only wanted to…" Kurana began to defend herself but weakened. She could feel it. To hide it, she spun on her heels and stormed away in a hurry. "We need to get back to work."

"My dear, I had a question if you would indulge me," Vivienne asked of her. "Several questions if you don't mind." She was gazing out the window, the purple light of the sky illuminating her rich, dark skin. She called Kurana over without even looking at her. She gifted her a sideways glance before continuing. "I wonder just how long you expect people to believe your charade."

Kurana's heart jumped into her throat. "Excuse me?," she inquired, innocently. Vivienne wasn't known for her discretion. If she knew…

Vivienne turned to face her. There was a hint of predatory playfulness in her eyes, like a cat batting around a mouse whose viscera was already spilled. "I know a strong woman when I see one. I also know a liar when I see one. I'm curious to see how much advice you heed from that demon."

Kurana attempted to stand fast against these accusations. "I made my decision today based on-"

"You frighten me, my dear. The power you and I hold should not be placed in the hands of such an indecisive little lamb. She yawned, acting as disinterested as always. "A young woman swayed so easily by a demon… What will you Templar lover think?"

Kurana furrowed her brow and blinked in disbelief. "Lover?"

Vivienne rolled her eyes once more. "We've all seen you walk into the commanders quarters at night and walk out in the morning. If you're going to act so surprised, do be a bit less blatant."

Kurana chuckled nervously and then coughed to stop herself. "We've never… I've never actually."

Vivienne ran one hand down Kurana's arm and insisted, "That is not the point, dear." She sighed. "We can only hope that Cullen influences you more than… that demon."

Kurana left feeling stripped bare. Vivienne could plant the seed of doubt for the rest of the companions. By the time she was in the stairwell, she could feel him nearby. "I could make her forget," he offered. Behind her, she heard the scrape of his feet. He stood on the step directly behind her with his hand on her shoulder. Moments of silence passed while she contemplated. His hand lightly rustled through her hair, wrapping a red lock around his finger and then letting it go. "Just encountering the mage, not the bit about Cullen. Too many times to erase…"

Kurana whipped around suddenly, causing him to startle and draw his hand back. His hat barely fit between the two walls. She stared up at him and nodded once, all the while looking so sad. She continued on her way to the commander's chambers.

He was expecting her, as he often did at this time of day. He looked up from his desk and greeted her with a short, "My lady." It was the first time she'd ever been called that.

She laughed at the words. "My lady? I'm no noble." She leaned on the wall by the door and began to remove her boots. "In fact, it's almost ironic."

Cullen came around from his desk. "Not at all. To me, at least, a lady is," he explained, approaching her. He put his hands on her slender hips before going on. "it means a beautiful, dignified girl- er, woman." He kissed her, and as he did, the guilt gnawed at her. He sensed it. "What's wrong?"

She forced a smile, as she had been used to, and shook her head. "I only… I let an apostate go today.." He furrowed his brow in confusion. She clarified, "He begged for his life… a rebel mage, and I set him free." He turned away. The more she talked, the more disappointed he seemed to become. "I just thought if he…" She grew more flustered as she became more frustrated, more fearful. "Are you angry?" She was slipping from her steel veneer. She wanted so desperately to crawl back inside it.

Cullen gave her yet another confused expression. "You'd just turn some man loose, without even a thought of his corruption." His jaw locked. "Do you even know what I saw at the Fereldan Circle? If even one mage goes unchecked… I don't know how they do things in the Dalish clans but here-!" He huffed and busied himself at his desk, flipping through papers. He'd begin sentences but stop once he was a syllable into them. This was not the shy, sweet stammering Kurana had become accustomed to. Eventually, he just sighed and stopped fiddling with the reports and orders on his desk. "No, I can't pretend to know the circumstances you were in in the field. Just go to bed. I'll meet you there."

She sat on the edge of his bed to figure out a way to convince him she was strong again. "You thought since you loved him, you'd invite him to know," she heard while she was making her plan. "But you love him because he's the one that knows the least." She looked up at the spirit, hiding under the brim of his hat. "Tell a spirit they are something loud enough and enough times and that's what they become. Is that how it works with mages too? Is he trying to bind you?"

"No, Cole." She scratched the bridge of her long nose and asked, "Do you always follow me?"

"Only when it hurts. Also when we go out together to fight people, but you already knew that part. But I follow you most times. The hurt is so loud, it's hard to hear anyone else. Your heart hurts but you're so busy trying to fix everyone else's hurts you forget to pay attention to your own. So I pay attention to yours. Someone should. Do you want me not to?"

"All the decisions you've led me to, I've regretted."

"I'm sorry. I'm healing for the short-term. I forget about the long-term sometimes." He took her hand in his and looked her in the eye, not a thing he did often. "I'll do better next time."

"Cullen will be coming in any moment." Kurana stood and strode to the window to stargaze.

"Should I erase that argument? You seemed like you need it to go away."

Kurana immediately rejected the idea. "I can't. Not with him. I… I shouldn't have let you do that to Vivienne."

"I'm sorry I can't reverse it." With that, he disappeared. Shortly after he did, Cullen rejoined her.

"My love, I apologize if I was out of hand." He winced while taking off his furry shawl. Kurana came to his aid and assisted his undress. "The… the withdrawals have me on edge of late."

She storked his cheek and smiled at him warmly. "You weren't rude or stern. I'd never let you treat me that way."


	4. Bitten and Bruised

Cullens forehead beaded with sweat. He twitched in the pale sunlight of the late morning. Nightmares besieged what was meant to be the few peaceful hours he had during his busy days. Kurana woke him.

"My love," she whispered. "My love, it's morning. Harding had made it to the Forbidden Oasis. I received word just this morning."

He sat up, groaning at the pain and effort it took. The corners of his eyes wrinkled as he squinted, not ready to brave the sunlight quite yet. He nodded. "I must get to work as well. Preparing for Adament has-," he paused to yawn. "Has got me busy from dawn to dusk, occasionally the following dawn." He opened his eyes slightly to gaze upon her. Smiling, he reminded her, "Stay safe. You know how I worry." He leaned in to kiss her but she pulled back.

She chuckled. "You taste vile in the morning."

He rose his eyebrows. "Do I?" A devilish grin stretched across his face. She made a break for the door, but he grabbed her wrist before she could stand. He pulled her onto the bed. She squealed with delight and found herself on her back with him hovering over her. He pinned both her hands and laughed. "Magic can't help you now! I _will_ have that kiss!"

She whipped her head back and forth to avoid his lips, giggled. "No, no! Not on my lips!"

"I'll just have to kiss you elsewhere then!" He nuzzled her neck, kissing repeatedly.

She squirmed and moaned. Her spot. She didn't think he'd find it so quickly. On hearing her moan, he pulled back to face her with a look of pleasant surprise. This lasted only a moment before he resumed eagerly. The pleasure made her eyes roll and her breaths rapid. His hands released hers to roam as they pleased. They pushed up her shirt. Rough, callused palms scraped against her soft, twisting back, making her arch against him. She felt his manhood hardening at her inner thigh. Slow thrusts of his hips pushed her, seeming involuntary and instinctual.

"Commander," she muttered. Something felt off. It wasn't right. Today wasn't the day. She wasn't ready. Playful rough housing was one thing, this wasn't something she wanted or was prepared for. "Commander," she repeated.

He only growled hungrily in response. She wanted to speak up, but she couldn't find the words. The more they went on, the less freedom she felt to stop it.

He stopped suddenly. His jaw dropped. He looked angry. "Hands off her," she heard a voice say. She recognized that voice. Cullen backed away and stood at the foot of the bed. She scrambled up to see what was the matter. Behind Cullen, Cole stood with a dagger pointed to the back of his neck. Without taking his eyes off Cullen, he said, "Hands holding me, feeling fingers, not now. Will it hurt? Make it stop."

"Please, Cole!," she yelled. "Put down the knife! Please!"

His eyes grew forlorn as they settled on her. He lowered the dagger and explained, "But you needed help. You were scared, screaming for saving but silenced." He was struck on the jaw and sent reeling back. He quickly lost balance and fell. Cullen's face was red with rage.

Kurana knelt beside Cole. The breath had been knocked out of him. He was still gathering himself when she confronted Cullen. "Why?"

"He held a knife to my neck!," he shouted. "What did he mean scared-"

"Please stop shouting," she begged. "Please calm down." She was having a hard time staying strong. Too many emotions at one time; fear, relief, anger. She was flooded, filled, spilling over. It showed in her eyes.

Cullen sighed when he saw her tears. "My dear…" The anger returned when Cole started to rise shakily. "Take that… that demon out of here before I-" He shook his head. "Just go. We'll discuss it later."

Kurana took Coles stringy arm over her narrow shoulders. He walked with her out to the battlements, barely holding what little weight he had. "He hits hard," he commented. A bruise was already appearing on his jaw, swelling and darkening. "He thinks it doesn't hurt as much as it does." She sat him down on the steps. His hat fell off as they did.

"Cole you shouldn't have done that. I could've handled it," she assured him, examining the bruise more clearly. He winced when she touched it but didn't shy away.

"No, you wouldn't have," he replied. "You were worried if you said no, asked him to stop, he'd think you were weak, he wouldn't love you anymore."

"Sh, sh, sh," she urged. "Can you fight today?"

"He'll still love you if you say no." He picked up his hat and handed it to her. "If I wasn't there… if I was late… you would have been very sad. I need to be near you, just in case. 'Mother, not mother, teaching me words, and spells, and how to clip the herbs so they grow back. She wasn't there when he was. She wasn't there.'"

"You knew he wasn't malicious." She put his hat on over his flattened, blonde hair. It shaded them both from the morning light. "Why did you threaten him?"

He donned a face of contemplation, as though he were trying to find the right words. "It was what was needed. He was hurting you, whether he knew it or not." He pulled at a loose thread on his trousers. "It gets fuzzy, dark, can't think, just do." He cupped his face in his hands. "It hurts my head." Shaking out of it, he stood up, swaying but recovering balance. "I can fight today. I'll be fine. I can heal. I need to stay with you, to protect and provide, to help and heal."

The sand was unending. She'd never been in a place like this before. So much glittering dirt, like an hourglass the size of the world had broken and she was trudging through it. Unceasingly hot during the day and unceasingly cold at night She could feel Solas's eyes digging into her back, but chose to ignore it like a fly she hoped might go away. Their four shadows were thin giants the closer sunset came upon them. In the distance, she saw the hyenas. Unfortunately, they'd smelled her before she saw them. She whistled at Blackwall and nodded at the hyenas.

They were as big as ponies with monstrous teeth and blood thirsty red eyes. Three of them charged at her companions. Two attacked Blackwall, as predicted, but the other one was still charging at her. She frightened and lost her footing as it gained. It leapt at her and, as she braced for impact, she felt a splatter of hot blood on her face. Agonized screaming followed. Cole kneeled in front of her, his arm in the jaws of the beast. With his other arm, he repeatedly stabbed the beast in the neck.

With a squelch, Blackwall's sword pushed through the top of the hyena's skull, skillfully avoiding Cole's arm while instantly killing the hyena. Cole shook and groaned through grit teeth. "It hurts. It hurts."

"You're not meant to take a blow like that," Blackwall grumbled. "Your armor's not thick enough." He pulled Cole to his feet by his uninjured arm.

Solas untied the leather padding and drew back his sleeve, revealing two gashes. He tilted his head and glared at Kurana. "I'm to need more supplies if I'm to heal this."

Cole shook his head. "Please help. Please! It hurts."

Kurana shifted uncomfortably, refusing to look Solas in the eyes. She turned her eyes to the setting sun. "We should be heading back anyway. Keep pressure on it. We'll be back at camp in no time."

Kurana shivered by the fire. Her inability to keep warm worried her. Tonight seemed a particularly cold night. No matter how close she got to the fire, she couldn't seem to get warm. "I need a word with you, Herald." Solas was glowering at her again, this time his face ominously lit by the fire. He called her Herald as a form of condescension, she knew that much. He knew she didn't worship human gods. "Alone, if that is possible."

She was hesitant to leave the fire and brave the cold away from the camp, but she didn't want the confrontation of refusing him. She crossed her arms to keep warm and wondered how he remained still as a statue, not trembling from the cold. The trembling made her look weak. It took a great amount of muscle control to stop.

"Did you bind him?," he questioned, his breath hanging in the air.

"Who?" She was almost about to give up her effort of not shaking. "What?"

"You heard me the first time." He shook his head and faced the moon. "You have an adoration for the moon. You look at it every night before you go to bed and wish it well. It cannot respond because it holds no personal connection to any one being." He faced her again, face lit in silver. "You are perverting him from his purpose. He was made with one simple thought in mind and that is compassion and yet, all he does is follow you around and do as your heart desires. You want protection, he dives in front of danger. You want counseling, he appears at any moment."

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to stop it. If I could, I would." She wasn't sure if she was lying or not. The feeling of him never leaving her side, whether she knew it or not, was unsettling. However, he always came without her even needing to ask and knew just what was wrong. "He said I have the most hurt, so I need to most help."

"When a spirit is turned from its purpose to an unhealthy one, it becomes a demon and becomes harder to convince that it is otherwise the longer it remains that way." He began walking back to the camp. "Obsession is an unhealthy purpose, Herald. Stop him while you can. You're the only one who can."

She retired to her tent as soon as she got back. Though huddled under the blanket, she still shivered and lie awake. "You need to go by the fire. You'll freeze to death in here. 'Freezing river when we played. Didn't want to go in, but Myra asked. She wanted me to be free.'" Cole crouched beside her and shook her.

"No, Cole," she whispered and turned over so she wouldn't face him, but he was there on the other side as well.

"Do you need help out there?"

"No." She turned over again. This time he wasn't on the other side waiting. "Solas insists that you stop helping me. I've lived my life nineteen years without you. I can keep going." A bandaged arm snaked around her waist and pulled her back into him.

"If you won't seek out the warmth, I'll have to bring the warmth to you," he stated plainly. "'Myra and I under covers, holding hands, telling secrets. Father insists. It's what keeps us alive.'" Kurana wanted to protest this, but she already grew tired, faster than usual. She knew it was him. "Go to sleep. It's alright. I don't need to."


	5. Let Me In

"He wants to touch her, but there's something blocking, belaying, breaking her bond. Cole tapped the glass in the window of the Inquisitor's bedchambers. "'Why doesn't it answer?'" The moon glared back at him with a white light. "'It'll never answer.'" He turned around to her at her desk. "You're Dalish."

She laid down the paper, but didn't look at him to respond. "What a keen observation."

"That's why you won't. 'Dalish make Dalish make Dalish.' Duty to a dying race." He clapped his hand, the one that wasn't in a sling, on his thigh and smiled. "'We'll bind you to the moon!'"

She couldn't help but join in his smile as he recreated times she hoped weren't lost. "Yes, Cole. That was what she said."

"You were strong with her. She was the roar in your voice." He stopped smiling and looked at the ground. "She wishes you were with her too." The door opened and shut. Footsteps sounded on the stairs. His body tensed visibly. By the time the guest reached the top of the steps, Kurana saw Cole's dagger slightly drawn.

"Calm down. It's just Leliana," Kurana warned him. The dagger was shoved back into its sheathe and Cole relaxed. "Could you wait outside please?"

"'Friends fighting green fire. She lived, he lived, but at what cost?'," he mumbled. "She lost her roar." In an instant, he was gone. Not for long, she knew. She received no respite from his company.

Leliana laid back on the Inquisitor's bed with her hands under her head and her legs crossed. "Now, this is what a bed should be. I usually fall asleep at my desk." She laughed and added, "I should have this. You don't seem to be using it at all these days, do you?"

Kurana rose one eyebrow and asked, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, everyone already knows." She rose from the bed and seemed to glide to the desk, gesturing with her hands elegantly. "You, the Herald of Andraste and leader of the people, stealing away to the bed of the man that trains and leads her armies. It's so romantic. The Warden was partial to such tales. She'd love this one."

Kurana sighed and shook her head. "We haven't… No."

The spymaster leaned on the table and gave her a longing look. "Come now. You can tell me. I can keep a secret." Kurana remained silent. "You can tell me now, or I can ascertain the information in… other ways." Her fingers ran through Kurana's hair.

"You wouldn't!"

"I would," she mocked. She sat down in the chair adjacent to Kurana. "Now, tell your big sister. What is going on in that bed of Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath? I've known Cullen to have a secret weakness for elven girls, but I never pictured he'd like them so young."

"Nothing. We don't do that." Kurana stammered over her words, tripping over them as though the entire conversation were a field of ropes grabbing at her. "I've never been with a man. I've never even seen a naked man before." She shook, now sweating from the whole topic.

"Aw, well," Leliana grinned so widely, she could hardly keep her teeth closed. "That's so predictably adorable of you. Our little kitten." She pinched Kurana's cheek, which she did nothing to stop. "You're an even bigger softie than he is!"

"He wants to… he's tried to…"

"You told him no?" Leliana wrapped her arm around the elf's shoulders and put her other hand on the Inquisitors arm in a comforting manner.

Kurana didn't want to admit what happened last time. Rumors surrounding Cole and her were already bad as it was. "Yes. I just wasn't ready." A quarter of the truth.

Flashes of forests, painted glittering white. Frosted. Waterfalls and at the bottom, rocks. Her fingers hurt and hurt until they hurt no more. The ache faded. All she could think of was grasping Myra's hands. Myra's red hair was soaked and both sisters were silent as the rapids roared. Kurana was silent in prayer. Perhaps Myra was too. 'The pain now is nothing,' she reminded herself. 'Nothing compared to the pain of losing her.' It was hours before the others came.

"We need to take it," the healer said. The finger was black to the knuckle. "It's just the smallest one."

"What happened to it?," she asked as her wrist was strapped down.

"The Dead Wolf bit it off." He shook his head. "A small price to pay for your big sister's life." The blade reflected the moonlight into her eyes. "His bite made it black."

It healed quickly, though she had to adjust her shot accordingly. Her thumb often ran over the place her finger once was. Unblinking, she gazed at the moon. Myra caught her at it again. "The moon doesn't need to be worshipped, da'len." She flashed the smile they shared, their father's smile.

"I'm not worshipping it, I'm just…," she turned her big, blue eyes back to the silver orb hanging in the black endlessness that was the sky. "I'm talking to it." She wondered if the Dread Wolf was howling at it this night.

"Does it talk back?," Myra asked warily, with a hint of amusement. "Mages sure are odd."

"No, it doesn't talk back of course. But it's always there and no one notices. It must be lonely."

Myra laughed and mocked her, her red hair flipping as she doubled over. "We've finally found you a mate. You'll bind with the moon!" Kurana smacked her arm. "Better than some shemlen coming and sticking his shem babe in you."

Kurana made a disgusted noise. "Ugh, I'd never let a shemlen man touch me."

Myra's tone darkened. "I don't think he'd ask your opinion. You need someone to protect you like Bellan protects me."

She rolled her eyes. "Not this again."

"Yes! This again!," Myra pressed in an exasperated voice. She clutched Kurana's arm to keep her from storming away. "You need a mate. Dalish make Dalish make Dalish. The sooner an elven seed is sown in your garden, the better. Your mate could watch over you. We have a duty to our dying race." She took Kurana's four-fingered hand and placed it on her heart. She placed her own hand on Kurana's heart in return. "Ma lin. Ma vhenan."

"Let me in." These words Kurana had been dreading to hear, but knew it was inevitable. Cole's 'protection' was becoming less gentle, less welcome, and more regrettable. "Let me in and I can protect you forever," he whispered to her. He had backed her against a wall, trapped her with an arm on either side of her. She placed one hand on his chest in a futile attempt to urge him back, but that was before he said those three words. She was petrified, every muscle paralyzed but her eyes. She could hardly breathe. His breath, however, was hot on her ear. He smelled like the Fade, like the residual scent after a spell; hot sand, crumbled stone, and burning. His eyes explored her face while his finger traced her vallaslin. "No more fear, no more pain. Just you. Just me. Emma nadas." He was plucking the elvish from her head. Her mind screamed for her body to move, but it refused and allowed Cole's hands to move over her arms and settle at her hips, gripping almost desperately. "This body could be ours, together."

"Kid," she heard a coarse voice warn. Varric had interrupted. Cole reluctantly turned around, releasing Kurana. "Kid, for some reason I don't think you and Kitten were having a loving moment."

Her eyes were still screaming and a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead and onto her nose. Cole sustained the same level of intensity. "There is nothing more loving than the act of merging, becoming one."

"Calm down, Kid. Just let Kitten breathe for a bit. Stick around and she'll turn blue."

He slowly set his dark eyes on her and asked, "Is this what you wish of me?"

She managed to nod and as soon as he was gone, she gasped and relaxed. "I can barely control him anymore." She dropped to her knees and Varric rushed over. "I don't want to become an abomination."

"It's alright, Kitten. You'll be fine," Varric assured her.

"Doubtful," another male voice interjected. This one was more delicate, but more arrogant. "A spirit of compassion is a fragile being. He's been led off course." He glided towards the two of them. "It will be a hard thing to do, making a demon into a spirit again. He can't possess you without your consent, but he can destroy everything around him if this goes unchecked."

"Please," she looked up at him with red eyes. "Whatever it is, do it."

"Stop that sniveling. The more you fear, the more attached he becomes." He returned the glare Varric was giving him. "She needs to get better."

Varric stood and shrugged. "Seems like he needs to grow as well." He offered a hand to Kurana to help her up.

Solas seemed to ignore Varric's suggestion and resumed his stern lecture. "You'll need to stay away from him. Don't banish him from the Inquisition, however. He can use our cause to reclaim his purpose. Besides, you banishing him could end disastrously for anyone in the vicinity. It's best we do this gently." He shook his head and furrowed his brow as if he were scolding a child. "Look at this mess your weakness has made."


End file.
